Give it time
The solution to so many problems is "give it time."
As a Department Chair, I used to receive many messages from faculty who were at the end of their metaphorical rope with a student. The student was academically struggling but not putting in the hard work it takes to be successful. The faculty member had done all they could to coax, cajole, and mentor the student into success. But the student was having none of it. The faculty member felt defeated. There was nothing left to try. Even worse, in this university model, the faculty member was held responsible for the student's behavior so this was frustrating.
What the faculty member wanted to do was lash out; break out of the politically correct mold we'd been carefully squeezed into. We wanted to use the very same poor language choices that students used on us back upon them (i.e. not capitalizing the letter "i" when used like "I completed the study plan"), lying, or making up accusations. But our standards - that we as a team held ourselves to (note that I said team there, not university) said that we don't break character while on stage, in front of the curtain.But off stage, behind the curtain, with me, they were livid. They were angry. They felt this was unjust. They were right.
They wanted me as Department Chair to unsheathe my sword. Strike down that student! Give them a good tongue lashing, a disciplinary action or something! That will teach them to disregard faculty advice. We were only giving them good academic advice that we know works; all true.
But instead, I'd advise the faculty member:
Give it time.
What? But the student? They've done me harm!
Give it time.
But there is a university rule! I must answer this email within 4 hours.
It's 4 "working" hours and you stopped working at the end of this phone call with me today. Continue the 4 hour count tomorrow.
But... tomorrow!!!? They need to hear from me now! Right? I mean, that's the point of the 4 hour policy.
I'll provide cover for you from the policy if anyone asks. You are taking the rest of the day off and not pulling on your leave hours, I'm taking the rest of your job duties today.
But the student!
Yes, the student is out of line. But we'll write the response email together tomorrow. Not today.
But...but...but...
Tomorrow we will write a better email than we will today. I've seen it happen.
Believe me. Give it time.
So I have seen this scenario play out so many times professionally and personally, I've lost count. The number of times that I've been hotter than hot and wanted to slice another person in half with my words is plethora. But then the advice comes: Give it time.
And we would write a better email! Or have a better phone call! Or the student sometimes would come through with an apology "Hey, I acted out of line." Some of the students that walked this very road with us went on to public message boards and posted notes that said things like "Hey, you might think that working with faculty is punishment, but they really are there for you even on your worst days." Of course, those students rarely add the detail that they were failing on those "worst days" but hey, we took what endorsements we could get.
See the key is that TIME ADDS FORGIVENESS. You can start to see the situation from other points of view. You can see options and solutions that could not see when you were angry.
It's taken me years to figure out that that was Jesus' teaching in the Bible.
He's asking us to give it time because it is us that is testing God's patience (constantly) and we need more time to realize our mistakes and get it right. If you go back and re-read how annoying the students were in the story above, you'll see that I wrote this little story as an analogy as how annoying WE are to everyone else all of the time. Everyone thinks that everyone else is wrong. How we piss each other off!
Give it time. Add forgiveness. With this, you will find a way to a better relationship that you thought possible.