Passive Aggressive Behavior in Online Meetings

 

To assist those continuing to adjust to full time remote work, I share one story from my archives about a passive aggressive employee that used online meetings to derail projects and get his own way. To be clear, I considered this employee a friend and in-person, they never pulled the passive aggressive behavior I'm describing.This was unique to group phone calls or web conferencing.

So this story is about the passive aggressive behavior and the day I'd had enough and decided to prank him back. It is NOT a "do as I do" story.

This person's go-to passive aggressive technique in online meetings was to wait until near the end of a discussion on a topic and then quietly in a voice that purposely trailed off, say something like:

• I only wanted to add that...
• There is the extra point that...
• I wanted to point out that...

The key to this technique was to start out VERY quiet and get QUIETER. So the voice has to truly "trail off". It has to sound as if the person either stopped having the will to talk or the line itself faded away or some sense of "I've given up hope" has to come through the auditory line. That is key. One cannot be bold and pull this off. Think Eeyore but 20x more and quieter.

I had observed this employee do this behavior for years. In this story, I'd like to point out-- he didn't work for me; he was not on my team. So on the day I decided to take him on for this, I was truly poking the bear, I wasn't actually 'taking the mick' out on a team member of my own, which I would not do.  But I knew this person loved to get his own flavor or mission added to projects or to hard steer projects into his own 'my way is best' direction. Here is how he'd try to use this technique on a work project:

1. He'd use this trailing off voice line.

2. Immediately the person running the meeting would say "Oh, I'm sorry, what did you say?"

3. He would repeat it a little louder but not much. The point was to draw attention to himself and he had to draw you in. Until he knew he had you, he kept pulling you closer and closer by keeping his voice quiet. Folks would literally lean IN on their cameras.

4. Even if you as the project leader felt like his idea had not merit whatsoever, because he would present it in this "humble servant who can barely speak above the quietest mumble mode." Socially, the proper response he was banking on would be something like "Oh, you have a point there, I didn't think of that" or "We might be able to consider that" because he was being so meek and mild.

5. THAT was the foot in the door he needed because YOU just acknowledged HIS idea as valid in front of the entire team (this technique was always done before a crowd). In case of any backsliding or NON-implementing of his idea now, he would constantly remind you that you had approved (notice the wording change) of his idea and you'd failed (as a leader) to put it into play. Said another way, he had you. He had his way. All from a mumble.

*The foil to his technique, by the way, was to simply listen, lean back in your chair, consider and then deny it forthrightly.

*Another technique (that I was bold enough to use) was to stop him right as he started mumbling and override his talking with your own and say something like "I realize you are trying to interject but we don't have time for more comments. Moving on to the next agenda item."

 

-At this point in my story I have to veer off and tell you a different but equivalently important short story. 

It's about the fact that it is known among A students that faculty, when giving lectures, drop the most important information in the first 5 minutes and the last 5 minutes of lecture. Why? Because faculty are workers under pressure. Their pressure is "cover this X content in this Y amount of time". So they start the lecture thinking "I must cover chapters 15, 16, and 17 because I already wrote the test and all of these chapters ARE on the test. It's a lot but I've got to get through chapter 17 TODAY!"

So in the first 5 minutes, the faculty member will blurt out "Don't forget that chapters 15, 16, AND 17 is on the test!"

50 minutes later after the faculty member has been watching the clock like a hawk (you thought it was only the learners) the faculty member swallows hard and realizes they only got 1/3 of the way into Chapter 17. The test is the next class period. So in the final 5 minutes:

 in which the F, D, and C students are missing b/c they already left the room, 

the B students are rubbing their hands and are bleary-eyed  

but the A students are now priming their pens for the best juicy tips for the exam, they edge forward in their seats to make sitting a little more uncomfortable-- just enough to keep them awake 

and the faculty member blurts out again "Chapter 17 is on the test! The whole thing! Especially the problem with the beaker!" 

A students scribble it down and whip the notebooks shut. How they earn As is a mystery to everyone else. But those first and last 5 minutes are the "golden minutes" if you have a faculty member and a lot of content in a course.

Back to my story

So one day I was ready to poke the bear. We were going to have an all department meeting. Over 100 people were going to be there on the phone. I arrived early to set the trap. I got the first ~10 attendees in on the idea. I stirred them up.

"There are some people so annoyed when they join a conference call and they've heard half of a conversation. But it's before the meeting starts anyway. Why would critical information be shared BEFORE a meeting starts? We have over 100 people showing up here and I hate having to restart stories over and over for all the new "beeps" joining. Let's play a little prank today. Let's pretend we DID share some important information before the meeting but let's pretend we just did it before they came in and it was really important but we will not repeat it. OK?"

They were in on it.

So we just sat there, rolling off one-liners like this:

• That was the most important thing about the new procedure.
• I'm so glad she told me or I would not have known.
• It's so important to only do it that.
• I'm glad someone mentioned that, I was too embarrassed to ask.
• It is CRITICAL to do it that way.
• Everyone has been informed.
• That was the most important thing I learned, I don't know how I would do my job without it.

Sure enough, at some point, Mr. Passive Aggressive came in and he took the bait. What was covered? What as the new procedure? No one would answer.  Finally, he got so frustrated that he said, loudly, "Well I guess I'm going to have to do it wrong because no one will tell me.''

😆

Serves you right. 

Don't do as I do. That was a prank. A good one, but still.

I would much prefer that if you have this passive aggressive behavior going on in online meetings, stop it immediately at the source as soon as it happens. See asterisks above.