Lisa, You Missed This
Photo by Ales Krivec on Unsplash
When I worked for an online university, I was hired in a group that considered ourselves an unofficial "class", as in, a group of similar aged/characteristic employees that were all hired by one boss.We were Phil's hires. Lisa and I had a further set of similarities; we were single, we were from the Northeast, had dogs, and felt like we were the "B" kids compared to the "A" kids of the rest of this class. It seemed that everyone else in this same class was the best at something. One day she even asked about it in a small team meeting, saying something like "How did I/we [referring to her and me] get here?" To which, I remember Phil giving a lovely answer about hiring people that he thought had a touch of excellence. With that, I remembered that Phil was particularly taken with my New York State university experience and probably had seen my honor society, Phi Theta Kappa. Oh, nice touch!
Through the years Lisa and I worked together, I got to know that she was a high quality math teacher. Surviving in that job required it but also she thrived. But after a few years, she did leave and took a job teaching in California (not online), I think in San Francisco. In doing so, she missed the great firings of 2010 which did decimate what was left of the original class (we were scattered or demoted as Phil had left by then himself (I think?) and he had always provided some cover for us.)
I kept in touch with Lisa via Facebook. Her mom got sick, brain cancer I think. Lisa took her into her home and took care of her, even putting in a garden for her mom to sit in. But her mom died. It looked like Lisa took it OK. Her mom was cremated and had her ashes scattered in the Pacific. After that Lisa's life did look like it started to shatter a little.
Before I knew it, she announced she was moving back to New Hampshire. That struck me as odd since I had thought that her position and life in California was pretty good. She said something about having a teaching job there. So I didn't pay more attention. New Hampshire does have its attractions. Be it far from me to blame someone for exchanging earthquakes for no income tax.
But in general her life got so much quieter.
It was right about this time of year. I remember that now. I remembered that this morning.
At 4:12 this morning, a robin was singing outside. Happy to sing. As I listened, he sung without compunction or care. He sung because God created him to sing when it is barely light outside. He sings for hope.
At 6:30, I opened my curtains to find the sun bursting through the clouds. It was such a surprise. I had only briefly checked the weather forecast which was calling for storms and sun. So to get a burst of sun just at that moment was like another message from God that said "I've got this all under control".
Then I walked my dogs outside and as the wetness of the air hit me and I smelled the yeast of the outside, one thought just rushed to my mind.
Lisa, you missed this.
About this time of year, Lisa committed suicide.
She waited for the school year to be over. There aren't more details available because, sadly, she left behind only one blood brother who seemed so grief stricken, he could not communicate what happened. But he said she had planned it and left a note.
She had picked a time AFTER the school year was done because she was a math teacher and didn't want to hurt her students more than it was going to. She missed her mother and she thought that suicide would bring her back to her mother.
At the time of Lisa's death, I did reach out to Lisa's family and I made sure that everyone in the "class" knew.
But this morning, I have different words now. Grief and mourning has turned to anger. It's no longer time for me to be sorry Lisa has died. Now I'm angry.
I'm angry because Lisa was wrong.
Lisa is not with her mother.
Suicide is wrong. Suicide is throwing one's life away, throwing away a gift from God. As long as you are alive, God wants you to do something.
Think about that robin. Did I need to do anything to receive hearing his song? No, I only had to hear it. What if I was deaf? Fair, if somewhat rarer point.
Did I need to do anything to open my curtains at just the right time that the sunlight streamed into my eyes through a break in the clouds? No, I only had to see it. What if I was blind? Fair, if somewhat rarer point.
Did I need to do anything to feel that God's love & forgiveness is for me? No, I only had to exist and be aware enough to conceive of it. It doesn't take hearing necessarily. It doesn't take sight necessarily.
It doesn't take a job. It doesn't take having a mother. It doesn't take __[fill in the blank]__
I'll be sharing the Suicide Prevention Hotline number because I realize the the crypto crash impacts many of my metaverse colleagues and I hope none of them are contemplating suicide.
Lifeline Center calls are free and confidential. 1-800-273-8255 -- Starting on July 16, 2022, just dial 988.
Suicide is not the answer. I'm sorry to hurt others but I sincerely believe that Lisa is not out of pain and she is not with her mother. And she missed this beautiful morning.